I recently quit my job at Columbia University, ending my 15-year career in academia. One of the reasons (I’ll write about others soon) was the fact that I was experiencing a severe burnout. As I painfully realized over the past weeks, reversing the effects of this will take a while. I promised myself at least an entire month before going back to work, and as part of the process, I am planning to document parts of my journey - the ugly, the bad, and hopefully the good - in blog posts like this.
When I was 16 or so, I dislocated my right shoulder in high school gym class - big shout out to our alcoholic gym teacher who thought warm-ups are not needed! My shoulder just popped out of the joint and back in, taking with it some of the tissue surrounding the joint socket. The pain was searing at first, but it subsided relatively quickly after several days. What would remain for a long time was the feeling of instability in the joint and, with that, a shattered confidence on my end.
Building muscle to stabilize the joint was not bad; actually, it was fun. But the process took a very long time, and for years, the joint would pop out again and again due to that missing cartilage piece. It would happen mostly in situations where I was having fun and not constraining my movement, like blocking a shot during basketball or climbing the roof of a cave. There were no warnings, just a “pop,” and I was back to resting my shoulder for weeks. For the longest time, this created a mental shadow over the things I loved most, things that sparked my inner fire and motivation. The very things driving and energizing me ended up hurting me again and again. Whenever this would happen, it triggered a cycle of frustration, anger, and hopelessness.
Unfortunately, I currently feel very similar about Open Science work. Whenever I talk to folks about their awesome ideas, I cannot stop myself from getting excited, and then very quickly feel what I can only describe as the mental version of my shoulder popping: A strong feeling of being overwhelmed, a fear of not being able to return to my old form, of being left behind, and finally the good old self-doubt, questioning the validity and value of all my work - sometimes for hours, sometimes days. I know none of this is rational, but it is my current reality.
I am hopeful that I will be back more driven and excited after my hiatus, but at the moment, I believe my mind needs exactly what eventually fixed my shoulder: Short-term rest and long-term “strengthening”. Right now, I have trouble resting at all, to be honest. The past two weeks were anything but the glorious “self-care and recharge” experience I’d hoped for, but I am confident that more time with friends and without work will provide some of that rest. The real question is how to “strengthen” one’s mental health? I think it will involve both a stronger commitment to regular self-care and a focus on working in teams and less solitary work. Coming back to the shoulder analogy: A lot of my strength, and with that the fact that it has stayed in the socket for close to a decade now, I owe to some big persons in the gym (in this case, not metaphorically, these were actual bodybuilders) who provided not only expertise but also community and hope since many of them had gone through similar frustrating injuries themselves. I have always tried to be the welcoming person and urge people not to overwork themselves, but I now realize that I myself need a lot of guidance. I feel that discussing mental health or feelings in general is somewhat underserved in my communities of science and open source. I would love to hear about other folks who might have faced similar struggles (only if you want to share, of course!)
I wrote this somewhat silly analogy as a document of some of my internal struggles as I find my way out of academia, but also as an apology and explanation to everyone whose motivation and enthusiasm I might not have reciprocated lately. It seems that my enthusiasm is recovering faster than whatever mental health aspect is balancing it. I would love nothing more than to jump right back into the saddle, but it is currently not good for me.
I’ll be back soon, but I need some time! Very happy to hang out and talk about anything but work though!